I am seriously on the fence about the triathlon, which, if I suck it up and attempt, I will be nearly finished with at this exact time a week from now. (I swear, one of the greatest challenges in these races is waking up at 5 am and starting at 7 am.) Many factors are working against me: I cannot find a place to swim laps; I have been unable to find the time to ride my bike and still haven’t fixed the broken tube; Pitter has been sick for nearly a week, which means terrible sleep for all and all of his coughing in my face is starting to make me feel like I’m getting a chest cold. Blah blah blah, excuses, excuses. But seriously, not the best training recipie.
When I decide I’m going to do something (pretty much as soon as the thought enters my mind) I feel like I failure if I don’t follow through. This goes for everything in my life. Call it a personality trait, call it a sickness, but I can’t help it. I don’t necessarily need to do it well, I just need to do it, so don’t go thinking I’m a perfectionist or completely neurotic.
A few weeks ago a friend asked me, out of curiosity, why I do races, since I’m no athlete and I certainly never come close to winning them. Shd didn’t actually say that last part, but it is true, after all. I told her that I need to puncutate the year with fitness goals to feel like there’s a point to working out. But yesterday on my run with Pitter along the Monon Trial, I realized that it’s more complicated than that. It’s deeply about body image. I’ll probably never be thin. I don’t weigh 120 or even 130 lbs. But if I do a few races, I can trick myself into believing that my body is successful. I’m sad to report that turns out for me, pregnancy and childbirth are mere blips on the radar with the body relationship.
If I decide to train for a race and don’t do it, I’ve failed. If I don’t believe it looks good, at least I need my body to be able to do things. It’s that complicated and that simple. And if you’re a woman, you have some inkling about all of this. And if you’re a man and you don’t, consider yourself lucky.
Oh, the drama. Told you I needed some now that the thesis is over.
We’re headed up to Chicago for the 4th and will stay up there through the weekend for the race. Tune in next week to find out what happens. I’m going to take an internet vacation until then.
Here are a few shots from the Boston trip to quell your Pitter needs:
Enjoying the king bed at the hotel:
The Great Escape Attempt at the Public Garden:
