Dear Mr. Baron Baptiste,

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Thank you for your recent email invitation to your Personal Revolution All-Day Immersion in New York City on November 10. How did you know that I am in dire need of a Life, Body & Soul Transformation? It’s like you have superpowers. Of course you do. Who could deny it when you look so delicious sitting on a pier near your home in Hawaii (and thanks also for including this yummy photo in your invitation)?

Back in another lifetime, oh, say, a good five years ago, I practiced at least once a week at your hot yoga studio in Boston’s Back Bay, convienently located across the street from my office building. My good friend and I would dash over post-work, skipping cocktails (those were the days, weren’t they?) and submit our bodies to your 100 degree room and boot-camp instructors and bend ourselves to the physical and mental limit for NINETY minutes. When we were finished, we were drenched with sweat and dizzy and high from deydration. For days afterwards, we’d walk around like ninety-year olds. And then, we’d come back for more.
Ah, we drank your Kool-aid all right.

I still use your hour long audio class CD to practice according to your methods at home. But these days I usually poop out at the forty-five minute mark. There was also a brief period when I attempted your 40 Days to Personal Revolution guide because boy, did I need a revolution at the time. I, the woman who has been moaning for nearly a year and half about not getting enough sleep, set my alarm quite early to practice yoga for incrementally longer periods of time SIX DAYS A WEEK. But I lost you when you wanted me to go for longer than an hour first thing in the morning. I didn’t have it in me. And I’ve been disappointed in myself ever since, thankyouverymuch, because the revolution was short-lived. Oy.

Baron, if you offered your class in Boston and I still lived in Boston, I would consider your offer to enjoy INCREASED STRENGTH, VITALITY, A RENEWED MENTAL EDGE, OR A DEEPER SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE, via the Personal Revolution All-Day Immersion because, as you say, it “can take you there.” Although it has been five years since I practiced your brand of athletic, sweaty yoga with a good dose of new-agey-humor (aka “now twist! point your nipples like laserlights up towards saturn”), I yearn to become your apprentice archeologist and “excavate” my “ideal practice” alongside you. Freeing my true self and transforming my life through yoga with a constant emphasis on gentleness and acceptance sounds like the right ticket right about now. I’m hanging by a thread here, Baron. We’re always trying to get Pitter to “be gentle! gentle!” so this philosophy resounds deeply with me.

But alas, I am not independently wealthy and cannot join you for the ALMOST SOLD OUT upcoming Saturday in November in New York. Perhaps I will support your cause with the purchase of this book you wrote for your son:

But then again, such a gift could have catastrophic consequences as Pitter’s daddy, who cannot even touch his toes, would never be mistaken for a pretzal, and Pitter might conclude that you, Baron Baptiste are his real father. And we can’t have that. Unless…it would mean you would adopt us so we could live in Hawaii with you and also sit on a lovely pier, serene and ridiculously flexible.

Namaste and xox
Me

P.s.: Keep the email invitations coming. Along with the other Boston/East-Coast mailing lists I’m on, they’re really helping me adjust to the midwest. I mean, I’m just exhausted considering all the great road races, concerts, yoga retreats and special-invitation movies I could be going to if we still lived in Boston!

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