On Tuesday, the NYTimes published an article titled, “Coping with the Caveman in the Crib,” which features advice from “baby whisperer” Dr. Harvey Karp about how to speak to emotionally charged toddlers more effectively. We tried some of Karp’s advice on how to comfort an infant when Pitter was that age, including swaddling, shushing loudly to mimic the womb experience, and rocking side to side rather than back and forth (rocking chair style). It worked fairly well, although there was nothing spectacularly magical about it.
In his new book, the good doctor says:
[I]n terms of brain development, a toddler is primitive, an emotion-driven, instinctive creature that has yet to develop the thinking skills that define modern humans. Logic and persuasion, common tools of modern parenting, “are meaningless to a Neanderthal.”
We are to speak to toddlers throwing fits calmly, but not logically, because people who are emotional don’t respond to logic. According to Karp, when Pitter is having a tantrum, explaining why he may not do what he wishes/have what he wants in a soothing manner is patronizing and if anything, it will make him more irate. Instead, Pitter needs to hear that I understand what he wants.
I’ve tried this method twice while Pitter was mid-meltdown:
“You want the toilet. Flush. Flush toilet. Play with lid. Play with toilet. Flush now. Flush now.”
and
“Wash hands. Keep washing hands. Water. You want water now. Hands in water. Water now.”
Karp’s studies predicted the result: Pitter stopped whining to listen, and when I finished mirroring what was agravating him, he got up off the floor to go do something else. Karp’s form of communication cut the tantrum short. I don’t think it’s possible to completely avoid tantrums with this technique, but lessening their duration works for me.
So, while it sounds a bit like psychobabble, validation seems to be the ticket. When as adults we’re really upset about something–hysterical, even–we don’t really want someone trying to resolve a problem or analyzing why we’re upset. We want a pat on the back, confirmation that we’re understood, and a little sympathy. Maybe we’re all neanderthal at our core, toddler or all grown up.
5 Comments
February 7, 2008 at 10:01 am
Very interesting! And totally relatable. How many times throughout my life have I had that issue with a significant other. I don’t want him to fix my problem but instead to listen and reflect.
February 7, 2008 at 10:52 am
I read this article in my “Parents” mag a month or so ago, and I can tell you–it works! I’ve tried it when Alexander is upset, and as dumb as it feels to be acting just as crazy as he is, when I reflect the way he’s feeling, he clears up and then we can do the more calm talking.
February 7, 2008 at 10:59 am
ZM–I knew I’d read it elsewhere too, but I couldn’t remember where!
February 7, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I totally agree. Some of the best advice I ever got on child-rearing is that you cannot reason with a toddler. You just can’t. Sometimes they just need to cry about things and mommys have to realize they can’t solve every problem and just let them work through being upset. I have to remind myself of this almost daily. So if you ever see my kid crying his eyes out and I look like I am sitting there doing nothing, I’m actually thinking, “You cannot reason with a toddler”over and over in my head.
February 8, 2008 at 5:33 am
Hmm interesting.. I’m going to give this a try. Thanks.