Toddler or Drunk?: You Decide

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The behaviors of toddlers and those who have had three more drinks than a wee-too-many are often eerily similar, and take me back to many a college and aherm! post-college evening. Tending to either such personages can require great patience, and be equal parts amusing and annoying as shit. To wit, both:

1. Slur their words and must be asked to s-l-o-w-l-y repeat things

2. Alternately shower you with kisses and rants

3. Spin themselves dizzy and then misstep into the nearest sharp corner

4. Obsess over phrases or the correct way to do things to nearly psychotic proportions

5. Randomly freak out when asked to comply with otherwise normal behaviors/actions, e.g. bathing or using utensils

6. Throw objects at the heads of others

7. Spend enormous amounts of time swaying, slightly off beat, to music blaring from speakers

8. Randomly emit long strings of giggles or shrieks

9. Kneel down and bang their head on the floor when frustrated

10. Stare at you for uncomfortably long periods of time

11. Force you to kiss their stomachs or other body parts with a firm hand

12. Try to crawl in bed with you at 3 am

14. Do not recognize that they are not the center of the world

15. Vomit without warning

16. Poop without warning

So let this be a warning to you. If your interest in caring for drunks wears off after an hour or two, do not go out and get yourself a toddler. Because hours = years in Parent Land.  

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