• People who want everyone to know that they once shared a cigarette with Adrien Brody in the basement bathroom.
  • People who want to see dance majors who got fat.
  • People who think it’s okay to wear their oversized flannel shirts and Doc Martens again because Urban Outfitters is selling the look.
  • People who want to pimp their new art show, their gig with Famous Traveling Rock Band, their role on Broadway, or their new film.
  • People who wish they had something to pimp.
  • People who lie that they are friends with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Aniston.
  • People who hope that one guy is there so they can apologize for not dating him just because he dressed “too Guido” and explain that they were running away from a certain stereotype by attending the Fame School in the first place and that if they had been more mature they’re pretty sure their entire high school experience would have been a happier one.
  • People who still want to live forever.

*I Will Not Be Attending My 20th High School Reunion

My list of suggestions is up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. You’ll notice I never tried any of these tactics myself.

(I am laughing WITH you, not at you.)

( I swear it!)

(I love Mommy Bloggers!)

(I have been a Mommy Blogger!)

(xoxox ?)

971 Menu Online Literary Magazine, February Issue

Me to husband: Why do men get all freaked out that I wrote this piece?

Husband: Because they think it’s about hot girls licking each other’s feet and then they think about you thinking about hot girls licking feet.

Me: But it’s really not about that.

Husband: So you say.

I’m afraid I write some type of chick-lit, then.